Hello, old friend. This will be my 8th summer with you has my constant and ever loyal companion. My 7th year since you came unwelcome and unwanted...
You can leave anytime.
I use to have a much different life before you came along. I had a career that I really, really enjoyed. I worked with the elderly helping make their life easier and hopefully giving them a smile and a laugh. I shared their later years getting to know them, becoming friends and often my visits were an integral part of their day or week. Sometimes I had the honour to share their end journey as they left this world, hopefully making it easier. It was humbling, satisfying and joyful work.
You came along and took that from me.
I use to love to garden, go on long walks, geo-cache, go camping, volunteer, visit friends, spend time with family. I use to do yoga, occasionally try to dance and ride a bike. I use to have a life. I had plans, dreams, hopes.
Now I have you.
Some of these things I can still do but, not without your relentless companionship. I do my best to ignore you but, you are a malicious and jealous sort. You crave my devotion and if I ignore you too long, you turn up the heat. You will not be denied!
There is so much you stole from me. So much you snatched away in a heartbeat.
You are so very clever and sly. You hide where others can't see you deep in my bones, joints and sinews. Most don't realize what an incredible burden you are to me. You are often barely recognizable and when you do clearly show up, the affliction is usually too great for me to show up in public thus, the worst of you is rarely seen by others. Only a handful of people are even aware that you are always present, always tormenting me.
You haunt my sleep and terrorize my days. You often bring me to futile tears making me despair and feel forsaken. You are powerful and tenacious. Unless someone has experienced your hold, it is impossible to truly understand.
I long to be free of you.
I've tried so much to rid myself of you through drugs, exercise, physio, surgery and prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. But you refuse to leave.
You've left me weak, diminished and disabled. I've cried, begged and bargained but, every morning...
every night...
there you are...
lurking...waiting...
But, dear pain, you will not win. I cannot let you. There is always tomorrow and one day you may grow weary of this amusement of yours and be gone.
Although you may steal everything else, you won't steal my hope. Because you see; in my dreams I can walk, run, play and dance unencumbered by you. In my dreams I can fly. I will never embrace you and I will always resist you, fight you and do my utmost to ignore you.
You will not win!
So, even if you never, ever go away I shall have the last laugh because...
you really must understand that you truly have the more difficult task...
It isn't me learning to live with you: it's you learning to live with me!
