Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Irish Twins...

"You're 14 weeks pregnant, Barb."  Did I hear right?  This could not be...I had a five month old baby a home!  Impossible!  Someone got the test wrong!  Check again!

But no, it was true. One time...one time unprotected sex and I got pregnant.  No one gets pregnant 4 weeks after having a baby.  Honestly!  But there I was 5 months post-pregnancy and knocked up again!  I was not happy...and that is the honest to God truth!


I was only planning to have one child.  Not because I didn't like children, quite the contrary.  But I was very fearful about being a mother.  I wasn't sure I could do a good job and I didn't want to be responsible for screwing up my own child's life.  Hubby had convinced me that maybe...just maybe I could do a decent job raising one.  So, I'd agreed and I already had my hands full with my first born, Jamie. And now... there were going to be two... Irish Twins!  I couldn't do it!!

I wanted to run from this and would have if it were possible, but the only option (late term abortion) was absolutely not an option.  So, despite my fears and many selfish ways, I stifled my dread, put on my "big girl" panties and forged ahead.  I was determined I could get through this...

I dug my heels in, got down into the trenches and toughed it out.  But whoa to my Jamie, Hubby and my unborn child!

So, I dutifully took care of business, but where did loving mommy and sweet wife go?  I felt so alone and so miserable. No matter how much I wanted to look forward to another baby; self pity kept getting in my way.  My sister was the only person that I expressed the full extent of my unhappiness and ...oh, did I whine to her...day after day, after day...

until one day...she had enough.  She told me to smarten up.  She asked me if Hubby had raped me?  She asked if I wanted to do to this unborn child what was done to her (she hadn't been wanted by our mother)?  She asked if I intended to blame and be miserable (like our mother), accusing this child of ruining my well-planned life?  She handed me the tough love no one else dared...and I thank her to this day.

I cried then and for many days later.  My dearest sister opened the flood gates and all my fears and insecurities poured out.  I held my Jamie and cried in remorse for being so resentful toward her future brother or sister.  I hated being fearful and weak, but I just couldn't imagine having two babies needing me; expecting me to be a good mother.  I just didn't think I was capable.  So...

I cried and I prayed for weeks, until...finally after a particularly difficult day with my teething baby girl, I raised my swollen eyes to Heaven and pleaded with God to change my heart.  I'd like to say that a miracle happened in that moment, but it did not.  However, in time I felt something break inside me like a poison being released.  All the bitterness, self-pity and resentment  finally seeped away...and a quiet calm fell over me.

In that moment, I knew...I knew...I was going to be okay.  We were going to be okay.

I felt the baby kick and for the first time in this pregnancy I felt something new; anticipation!  There were more kicks and lots of restless movements as if the baby could tell something was different. Something worth dancing over.  I wondered who this precious, little person would be?  What should I name her?  What will she be like?  How much Jamie needed a little sister...

Call it wishful thinking or revealed from God, but I knew in that moment the baby was another little girl and that made me surprisingly joyful.

Hubby and I chose the name Kelly for the baby; he said it would fit a boy or girl, while I secretly smiled.

She came into the world 10 1/2 months after Jamie was born.  My girls were the same age for almost
6 weeks, thus Irish Twins!  Kelly, an Irish name, meaning "warrior".  How ironic!  And a warrior she is...

My baby...my warrior...who overcame her mother's bitterness and resentment, who completed our family and...

who proved to me all things are possible!