Thursday, May 2, 2013

Just ONE more thing...

Have you ever had so many crappy things happen over and over and over again that you just don't want to care anymore?  Like...

bring it on!  Pour it all out right here, right now and get it over with so...

life can return to good again.  That's how it's been for us over the past four years.  Yes, you heard me right; it's been four loooong years!  Every time we dare to believe things are getting better, more bad !%@* happens!  More and more and more...will it ever end?

I should be working now, not disabled.

Hubby should be retired now, not working.

I should be healing nicely from back surgery, not facing another surgery.

We...should...be...happy...

but all I can say, is that we just keep gritting our teeth, trying to get through and praying another thing doesn't go wrong.  This is no way to live.  We've had plenty of our share of tough times in 36 years together, but NEVER did any of them last four years with scarcely a break.  It might have been easier to deal with when we were younger...maybe.

Where is my faith in all this?  I wonder...

I wonder...why? 
I wonder...when it will end?
I wonder...how much pain I can endure?
I wonder...where is God?  Does He hear my prayers?  Or care about my tears? 

Those of you who may be "super" Christians or have never experienced such difficulties can criticize my questioning and seemingly lack of faith, but walk a mile...

I wish I could.  But I can't walk a block!!

It is because of my faith (doubting or not) that I can lift my head up, yet again, and face another pain-filled day.  It is my dubious faith that helps me face an uncertain and daunting future.  It is my faith that keeps me going. but...

I wish it were strong enough that I could be content in my circumstances.  I wish I could count it all joy when we experience hardship.  I wish I could rejoice in my suffering, but...

I'm not and I don't...

I want to enjoy my life without always fighting pain.  I want to feel secure again.  I want to laugh...genuinely belly-laugh again.  I want to play with my grandchildren, go camping, try kayaking, go fishing, attend birthday parties and holiday functions and...

LIVE LIFE and truly, truly enjoy it!  Again.

I am so worn out...

Matthew 11:28

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."